It’s okay that I call you “Chooch,” right? I mean, we’ve been doing business as Starting Catcher and Fan / Not-So-Secret-Admirer of One of Your LHPs for several years now, right? So, Chooch … please tell me this 25-game suspension is some sort of joke. Not a funny one, but a joke. Please?
You’re really going to let us begin another regular season without our full roster? Last spring was a disaster without Utley and Howard, and this spring we’ll begin the season with a backup catcher. (I should interject here and say that it had better be Erik Kratz.) In 2012, you’ve claimed the eighth suspension in MLB for the year (the most since 2007 if you’re counting). This is your second positive test for use of methamphetamines, for shit’s sake. I’ll tell you that Major League Baseball no es feliz right now, buddy. No. Es. Feliz. I’m not all that feliz either, to tell you the truth.
Listen, Chooch, I understand that you take Adderall. I know a lot of people who take Adderall. Shit, I take Adderall … you think I run my mouth incessantly? You should catch me on a day when I’ve forgotten to take my medicine. The thing is, MLB makes exceptions for the use of some medication, provided you have documentation for it. You didn’t acquire paperwork for your Adderall, Carlos? ¿Cuál es el problema? This city adores you, Chooch, even when you don’t have seasons like 2012 (.325, 16 HRs, 68 RBIs in 114 games … not too shabby). This is a city-wide disappointment … we’re living on basketball alone right now, counting down the days until pitchers and catchers report or Andy Reid gets fired, whichever comes first.
Here’s the statement that you issued to the media, in case you haven’t seen it yet. There’s no way in hell these are your words, and I can say that with certainty, because I’ve heard you speak. Don’t get me wrong; I love your Panamanian accent and broken English. Maybe PR should do a better job in their attempt at making this apology sound authentic … “I am sincerely regretful for my mistake in taking a prohibited stimulant … I apologize to my teammates, the Phillies organization, and the Philadelphia fans. I will serve the imposed 25-game suspension to begin the season and I look forward to returning to the field and working toward bringing a championship back to Philadelphia in 2013.”
Please, Carlos, fix this mess. Yes, you’ll serve your suspension, but I need you to do something else in addition to that … please get a medical doctor who is fluent in English to manage whatever paperwork that Selig’s little heart desires. There’s also the option to stop taking Adderall … your choice, my friend.